Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
