I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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