I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
