i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
