Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
