wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
