You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
