So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
