Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
