we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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