I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
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