I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
