Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
