Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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