I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
