cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
