Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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