pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
