what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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