2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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