I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
