halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
