By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
