can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
