My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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