In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
