if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
