Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
