i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
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I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
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There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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