i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I miss vodka workout Fridays
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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