So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
