I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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