things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
