On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
