I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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