Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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