I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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