we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
operation harelip BJ is a go
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
