I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize