Apparently you make a good broom.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
