the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
