You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
