i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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