someone threw a dead crab at me
My sheets look like a crime scene.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
