1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
