Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
We need to get me chipped asap
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
