just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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