Four minutes until I can fart!
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
