Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I skipped work to stalk him.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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