i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
