If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
