Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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