Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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