OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
