He asked me if I "almost moaned"
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
